…One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small…

I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland. Only Wonderland isn’t wonderful.

Some moments I feel large and in charge: making decisions; feeling well organized and on top of things; learning and understanding new terminology; finding my way through and around new challenges.

Other times, I feel very, very, very small. So small I might completely disappear. I find the small feelings occur most often as I am driving to and from the hospital. Its weird. I feel like the seat of my car –  that I have always loved so much — has grown larger.

As I sit on an airplane now, I feel the same sensation in my center exit row seat. Of course, I often feel this way when I fly, so it’s not a new feeling in an airplane. When I sadly wind up with a middle seat, perhaps between two large men, I feel like I must sit taller and be more expansive so as not to lose some of my purchased space. Men don’t realize it, but they tend to crowd us smaller women out of our personal space on airplanes.

So, now I feel this same feeling in many places: my car; my bed; my favorite family-room chair; the hospital waiting room. I feel diminished. The one place I don’t feel diminished is in my office. Work may actually save me from disappearing.

Allyen actually looks diminished. He’s lost a lot of muscle mass — he was a pretty robust dude before this — and looks small in the hospital recliner. He jokes about not losing the weight in quite all the right places. For someone just a year into a fitness craze, this couldn’t feel more wrong.

I haven’t tried to talk with him about my Alice in Wonderland experience — perhaps another day. Today, I am just trying to deal with the emotion of leaving town for the first time. Perhaps traveling for work is the pill that will make me feel more expansive once again.